Phan One Shots
by phanasfluck
Summary: Stories with YouTubers Danisnotonfire and AmazingPhil in a relationship! Will most likely just be fluff and angst. Hope you like them!
1. Finally

Everything was so lovey-dovey at first. He would always whisper sweet nothings in my ear whilst we cuddled and watched films and drank lattes. He was always there to hold me if I got scared and tell me it'd be okay.

We did everything together, went everywhere together, we were basically joined at the hip.

We were no longer separate entities anymore, we loved each other so much we became one person.

 _Or so I thought._

It all started when he began distancing me from the rest of my family. He told me that they were bad for us and didn't think we should be together.

At the time all of the things he said made sense. I wanted him forever so I did what he wanted.

I cut off contact with my brother and parents and friends so it was just me and him. He said it would make us happier.

 _And I believed him._

Then he started drink more than usual. He knew that drinking made me uncomfortable and we only ever had wine once in a while but this was a whole new level.

He would come home and smell like sweat and alcohol. He stumbled and was flushed and had a slick grin on his face.

I asked him what was wrong and his bight blue eyes would go all angry and dark. It wasn't so bad at first. He would only shove me and tell me to piss off and stomp upstairs.

I always thought that it was just the alcohol that made him so happy and loopy when he would first come home, but I know now it was because he just fucked a random woman.

I would cry for hours in the night and then when he woke up I would care for him and clean him. He told me it was all his fault and he'd never do it again and apologized profusely.

 _And I believed him._

He didn't do it for another two weeks but this time he walked in and shoved me up against the wall and started roughly kissing me. I didn't like it. His sweaty hands made my hair go curly and he smelled like someone else. All I wanted was for everything to go back to the way it was before. When we were both young and innocent.

I shoved him off me and told him that I didn't feel like it now. Well he did.

Before I could comprehend what was happening he slapped me and told me I was worthless. He said that he regretted ever meeting me. He said everything was my fault. All of the problems and the bills and his drinking and cheating was all because of me. He then shoved me to the ground and told me one word before walking upstairs and locking the door on me.

 _Worthless._

 _And I believed him._

Everything just got worse. I slept downstairs every night. I never left the house and was constantly walked around like I was stepping on eggshells.

I was always in fear I would do something wrong and he would hit me and insult me again.

After the first incident he never apologized again. Everything was my fault. He would come home most nights and be drunk. Insults would be thrown. Faces would be hit. Memories would be damaged.

 _And after one night I would never be the same._

He came home drunk like every night but this time instead of just slapping me and telling me how useless I was he decided I needed a different punishment.

As if my boyfriend hating me along with hating myself wasn't torture enough.

He pulled me upstairs for the first time in months. Not in the loving way I remembered with kisses and arms around necks and giggles and moans about how we would never leave each other.

Soon enough he was ripping the clothes off of me. I screamed and kicked and cried and reached for a phone on the bedside table. I had just enough time to click it open and pull up contacts when he slapped it out of my grasp and chucked it across the room.

He continued to hit me muttering things like, 'I wanna here you scream like that more' and 'take it like the faggot you are'.

He was hurting me more then any slap could ever do. This was such a raw thing meant for someone you love and now it was the ultimate invasion of trust and our entire relationship.

Or what was left of it anyway.

He would force me to deepthroat him and he would slap me while he roughly fucked into me. It was the worst day of my life.

Afterward he just passed out and that's when I would pull on boxers and a tshirt and crawl out the door into the bathroom sob until I passed out.

I would wake up around 9ish so I would have 2 or 3 hours until he would awake and the cycle would start over.

I decided to do something I hadn't done in years. He help me out of it and I was happy for the first time ever. Those times are over now and I'm worse than before.

I looked under the cabinet and searched for something I haven't needed in 3 years. Three whole years we've been together and after all of that he keeps me like a toy to poke at and play with.

I took out a shiny metal object and sighed in relief. If I couldn't find one it would make things a lot more difficult.

I brought the razor up to my arm and made jagged lines.

 _I am disgusting._

 _I an worthless._

 _I'm pathetic._

 _I am fat._

 _I am ugly._

 _I am weak._

 _I am unclean._

 _I am repulsive._

 _So many other things._

 _I deserve all of it._

The blood dripped down my arms and I felt relieved like I haven't felt in 8 months. Before all of this started.

The blood pooled around my arms and the metal fell onto the floor with a loud ' _chink_ '.

And that's how the days went for months and months on end.

I would be alone, constantly breaking down on the inside and the outside. He would come home drunk. He would hit me. He would call me disgusting. On some occasions he would be too tired to force me into bed and I would spend that time wishing I could just escape the house and throw myself off a bridge.

He never seemed to mind the cuts when he was defiling me. In fact, I think he was happy that I was so broken and hurt. It made him feel even stronger and more powerful over me.

I always wondered what happened to the man I fell in love with. The man that _fell in love with me._ The man that would calm me and rock me back and forth whilst singing sweet nothings in my ear.

 _Are these even the same people?_

I wanted to die. I needed to get out and death was the only way.

 _Or so I thought._

It came from a knock at the door.

*present tense*

The sound of the door startled me, ever since he forced me to cut off contact with the rest of my friends and family I hadn't seen anyone.

He is at work right now so I was just sitting alone in my room. When I heard the sound came I almost thought I was hallucinating. I wouldn't have been the first time either.

I got on a pair of black jeans and brushed my hair so I looked less zombified and dead.

When I finally swung the door open I was met with my guardian angel.

My old best friend.

"Dan!" Phil screamed and pulled me into a tight hug.

I somewhat winced at the force on my tired body and cut up arms. Phil didn't seem to notice.

"Oh my god Dan how have you been? I was nearby so I thought I'd stop by! I haven't seen you in forever!" Phil squealed again holding onto me.

"I guess I've been fine..." I trailed off not really knowing what to say.

'Oh yeah Phil, my boyfriend has been abusive in more ways than i can count and I haven't eaten a proper meal in 6 months and my arms are covered in cuts and scars and my body is bruised! I've been doing just dandy!'

That wouldn't go over too well.

"So uh... What are you doing here? Not to seem rude or anything... Just curious." I said somewhat shakily. Everything I've been through has caused me to wince at the slightest of loud noises and never want to talk back.

"Oh no it fine, I just thought I would see how you're doing. You know, no one has seen or talked to you in awhile. A lot of people have been wondering where you and him went off to." Phil chuckled softly but had a distant sad look in his eyes.

At the mention of _him_ I tensed and shook. With the thought of _him_ in his head all he started to think was of scenarios where _he_ would barge in and punch and kick me and hit me and call me useless and-

I was cut off of my train of thought by Phil shaking my shoulder roughly shouting, "Dan? Dan? Are you okay? What's going on?"

I flinched at his words and backed up instinctively.

"No no no no don't hurt me..."

I can't stop myself from feeling like I'm in danger and trying to get out.

It's just my body's instinct now.

"Dan! Dan! What wrong?!" Phil started coming towards me and then all rationally went out the window.

I wasn't with Phil anymore. I saw Greg and he was going to hit me.

"Why are you here? What are you going to do to me? No! No! No

No no!" I didn't want this anymore. He can't keep hurting me. I don't understand Greg.

Phil looked up backed up from me and whispered, "Dan, what's going on? Has Greg been doing anything?"

Phil's soft voice seemed to get me to become more aware of my actual surroundings.

"Phil? What happened to you? Where did Greg go?" I asked him, my voice trembling.

Phil gave me a shocked and saddened look and just said, "He was never here Dan. I've been here the whole time."

I didn't understand. Just one second ago he was coming at me a forcing me up against a wall.

"Why are you lying Phil?! I've had people lie to me _so many times!_ Why you too?" I pleaded.

"Dan let's just leave okay? You don't have to see Greg anymore..."

"No no _no!" I_ screamed. "He'll find me! He will find _you!_ He'll _always find me and hurt me!_ Why Phil? Why do I deserve this?!" My voice quivered and my body shook.

"Dan you don't deserve this... It's okay... He won't find you. I'll make sure of that Dan." Phil tried reaching for my shoulder but I flinched and pushed him away.

" _NO MORE!"_ I burst out.

"Dan, I'm sorry i didn't mean to..." Phil replied, afraid of my sporadic outburst.

"I-I... I ca-an't h-handle this anymore P-Phil..." I started hyperventilating. I shut my eyes tightly and dropped to the ground, wrapping my arms around myself.

"Dan... We _can_ leave. Greg won't hurt you. I'll take you home... You'll be fine." Phil tried reassuring me.

"Then how do I know _you_ won't hurt me too?" I croaked out.

I've been too beaten. Too broken. I can't take this anyone. Someone let me go. Why do people keep taking advantage of me and breaking me? _What have I done to deserve this?_

"Fine," I sighed out, "Take me away from here. Kill me. I wouldn't really care Phil. Just don't let me live."

Phil probably thinks I'm absolutely insane now. I guess that's not too bad and now I can leave and throw myself off of some high place or something.

I just want it to end.

"Dan, you _are not going to die._ You are going to leave this house and get help and be loved and happy and calm life is going to be okay. Let's just leave." Phil begged with watery eyes.

Phil picked me up bridal style and started carrying me out the door.

"Dan... Phil sighed out, "You're so thin... I can feel your ribs through your shirt."

"No it's good Phil. I'm fat. I'm disgusting. I don't need to eat." I told him flatly.

"Dan you're so beautiful ... But you _need_ help. And I'm going to get you that." Phil told me soothingly.

But I was too beaten and tired to understand that he was taking me to a hospital and away from this place forever.

Phil carried me out the door and down the flights of stairs. Soon enough we he was walking to his car.

"Phil..." I croaked out, my mouth so dry and rough from the lack of water and the incessant blowjobs Greg forces me to give him.

"Yeah Dan?" Phil asked curiously yet cautiously.

"Where are you... Taking me?" I said without energy. I haven't slept in about week and I'm on the verge of losing consciousness right now.

"To get help Dan. You need it. I'll be with you every single step of the way. I want to make sure you get past this." Phil told me with care evident in his voice.

He placed me in the passenger seat of the car and started driving. I'm pretty sure I passed out because before I knew it we were at the hospital and Phil was carrying me in.

When we got closer to the hospital Phil's facade started cracking and he began to look nervous. He walked up to the front desk and at this point I was seriously slipping in and out of consciousness. All I heard was bits and pieces of 'yeah I'm pretty sure he's malnourished' 'he's been through some rough stuff' 'I only found him about an hour ago' 'No no no no he's just my best friend...'

I felt something wet on my arm and when I looked down I saw red painting through my jacket. I guess some of my cuts opened up while I was being carried or something.

I didn't do anything about my bleeding; I deserved it anyways.

 _But Phil thought differently._

"Dan?! Dan! Oh my god! Nurses! Doctors! He's bleeding!" Phil yelled frantically.

"Dan... You've got to stay with me. Don't close your eyes. _God! Why didn't you tell me how hurt you are?! I can't lose you Dan!"_ Phil pleaded with me.

My vision began to blacken. Everything was slipping in and out of focus and before I knew it I was on a gurney being wheeled into the emergency room.

 _And everything was black._

 _*beep*_

 _*beep*_

 _*beep*_

"Doctors! He's awake! Dan? Can you hear me?!" A voice that I immediately recognized as Phil's said loudly.

His hair looked disheveled and messy and his ocean blue eyes were red and puffy. He's obviously been upset.

 _So what happened?_

"Yeah I can hear you, just stop shouting. Where am I anyway?" I ask confused.

I don't remember anything that should've put me in the hospital. Although I do remember seeing Phil running around with a stressed look on his face and me... On a gurney...

"Do you really not remember Dan?" Phil asked sadly.

"Well I can see snip its of you carrying me, doctors, me on a gurney, passing out, some weird things you said..." I told him groggily.

"Dan..." Phil sighed out, obviously stressed. "You went through a _lot_ of traumatic things. I don't think you want me to repeat them to you. You'd be best if you forgot them."

"Well what if I want to know what my _own life has been?!_ " I asked Phil harshly. I didn't mean for it to come out so rude but I'm confused and disoriented and I just want to know what happened.

"Okay Dan..." Phil said defeated. "Well... You... Your boyfriend Greg used to hit you and insult you and force you to do things you didn't want to. I went to your house because I missed you and hadn't seen you practically since you guys started dating. When I saw you, you were covered in bruises and cuts and were so _so skinny._ I immediately noticed but I didn't want to alarm you so I tried to tell you to leave Greg but you got really upset and told me you wanted to die. I quickly realized the extent of what he had done had affected you dangerously so I carried you to my car and took you to the hospital. Once we were there for about 15 minutes I noticed your arm was bleeding and not long after that you passed out. You've been asleep for about 36 hours."

I looked down at my arms and saw hundreds of red and white marks going all down my arms. There were bruises and purple blotches. Even further down I noticed that I _was_ _extremely skinny._ I can see the outline of my ribs and bones. My skin looked deathly pale and paper thin.

I couldn't believe everything he'd just told me. But what I couldn't believe more was the fact that I _forgot all of that._

Some flashbacks started to come back to me and I saw scenes of Greg hitting me, calling me worthless, cutting, all the terrible things that have happened to me.

Hot tears streamed down my cheeks and slid down my shirt.

"Oh my god Dan. I shouldn't have told you that stuff. I'm so sorry." Phil said, his voice cracking.

He wrapped his arms around my fragile frame and ran his hands through my hair. I put my head in the crook of his neck and breathed in his sweet smell of raspberries.

"Why didn't you tell me any of this was happening Dan? You could've left at anytime and called me. Why didn't you?" Phil asked me, sounding hurt.

"I really don't know Phil." I told him haphazardly.

"What do you mean Dan? How could you not-" I cut off Phil.

"I don't know because when I was in that toxic environment no matter what rationale told me that if I called the cops on him I could get out or I literally could've _left at anytime_ , I always felt like Greg would find me and hurt me." I told him quickly.

"Well he's gone now. He's gone forever. After you passed out I was literally so furious with Greg and how could he do this to you! You deserve so much better and-"

"Phil's that's really sweet but get to the point." I told him flatly.

"Anyways after you passed out I called the cops and told them what happened and the things he had done and they told me 'they found him at a local bar and apprehended him'. He's going to be in jail for a long time." Phil told me smiling.

I couldn't help but still have the doubt that Greg would get out and come get me and I'd be helpless to stop him.

"Phil where will I go? I'm all alone and I can't take going back to that house and the house is in _his_ name anyways..." I asked him anxiously.

"I thought about that Dan and well for now... You could stay with me?" Phil asked me skeptically.

"Really?" I looked at him hopefully. I need a best friend now than ever and Phil has and always be there for me.

"Of course Dan. You mean more to me than you could ever understand so... Yes. Definitely." Phil said with his deep blue eyes filled with care.

"Thank you so much Phil. You have no idea how much that means to me." I said suddenly grabbing him when wrapping my arms around his broad shoulders tightly.

"It's okay Dan." Phil said soothingly, "What kind of friend would I be if I left you alone in a time like this?"

Phil then gently lied us down and I instantly fell asleep.

*time skip of like a week*

After about a week of tests and regulating my eating and therapy I was finally able to be checked ok by Phil.

"Dan are you sure you are okay with staying at my house? I would understand if you just wanted to live alone or maybe you'll be annoyed by me..." Phil asked me anxiously.

"Phil it's _fine._ You're the only person I would want to live with." My cheeks heat up and I can feel the blush all the way up my face.

"Okay well let's go then and you can start a better life... With me." Phil grabbed my hand as walked to his car and towards a brighter future... Together.

**3 years later**

Over the last three years everything has gotten insurmountably better. Phil really has been with me every step of the way. I always thought that eventually Phil would get tired of me or kick me out but that never happened.

For around half a year after I moved in I would have break downs constantly and would never leave the house. Phil always rocked me and tell me everything would be okay.

He wiped away my tears and held me while I screamed into my arms. Also, he always came with me to my therapy sessions and was constant support.

I am so happy now and it's all thanks to the beautiful man with the black hair and the blues eyes who saved me.

 _And it was about to get so much better._

I was sitting in the lounge one day watching Doctor Who when Phil walked in looking better than ever.

Over these last years Phil has always been there for me, calling me 'perfect' and 'beautiful' when I would cry. I have kind of developed a crush on him. It was insanely hard _not to fall in love with Phil Lester._

We would cuddle and sleep in the same bed when I would have nightmares. He makes breakfast and we go out to lunch together (I like to call them dates but I would never tell him that).

I know Phil will never fall for me though. I've been through too much and I'm unclean. I would never come near me if I had a choice.

"Hey Dan... Can I talk to you for a minute?" Phil asked me nervously.

 _Oh no this is it. He's disgusted by me. This is the end. I'm going to live on the stress. I'm going to die._

"I know what you went through and you might never really heal after a traumatic experience like that... But... I don't know how to say this..." Phil laughed anxiously

"Okay. I knew this was going to happen eventually. You got tired of me. I'll get my stuff and be out by the morning." I said quietly, my voice cracking.

"No no no! How could you think that?! I could never out the person I love!" Phil screamed.

Wait.

What.

Loved?

 _Loves?_

Phil... _Loves me?_

"Phil what did you just say...?" I asked him, hesitation leaking through my voice.

"Shit. Wait. Dan, I'm sorry I can leave if you want. You can keep the flat. I didn't mean for that to come out. I just... I'm sorry." Phil rushed out. His eyes were watery and wide with fear.

"Phil did you mean what you just said?" I asked him trying to not make my voice sound hopeful.

"Yes I'm sorry Dan. I'll leave. I know you probably don't want a relationship and even if you did you wouldn't want to date someone like me-" He was silenced with a kiss.

My hand went to hold Phil's neck for support and I felt his hand run through my hair. Sparks flew and I felt like I was floating. The kiss was slow and soft, not rough and heated.

Even though I was the one who initiated the kiss he took the lead and led us through.

When we broke apart for air the only thing Phil said was, "Why did you kiss me?"

I couldn't stop smiling and before answering I pecked his lips and said, "You told me that I wouldn't want to date someone like you and I needed to prove you wrong."

"So is that a yes?" Phil asked hopefully.

"A yes to what?" I asked him. What did he say?

"Oh god sorry!" Phil laughed at himself, face palming. "Will you be my boyfriend?" Phil's eyes were wide and scared but he took my hand in his and kissed my knuckles.

"Yes you idiot. I've liked you for ages." I smirked at him and brought our lips together once again.

The kiss was slow and passionate, nothing like what I was used to with Greg. Phil cared for my so much and I was so lucky he was now my boyfriend.

I'm with the best man ever. In the best flat ever. I've gotten over so much with Phil by my side. Just like he promised.

"I love you," I looked into his eyes and was met with only love.

"I love you too Dan I'm so glad you're with me now. I wouldn't want anyone else to fall deeply, madly, in love with." Phil kissed me one last time before lying us down on the couch and letting me snuggle into him, just like all those years ago at the hospital.

I'm _finally_ with the person I'm mean to be with forever.

And I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us.

ヽ(；▽；)ノ

DONE MY SNUGGLE MUFFINS HOLY SHIT LIKE 4400 WORDS FOTHER MUCKER YHATS CRAZY.

Bye love you all㈎9

~Nicole ^_^


	2. The Storm

Dan saw the flash by his window and immediately plugged his ears waiting for the next rumble of thunder. For most people the 'gentle' pattering of the rain on the roof or the rumble of the thunder would put them at ease but for Dan it makes him beyond nervous.

He was currently under his duvet whimpering and covering his ears. All Dan wanted was to go into Phil's room and snuggle up to him and push his head into the crook of Phil's neck and have Phil kiss his forehead and...

This has all been getting out of hand recently. Dan has always liked Phil, ever since that first Skype call in 2009, but Phil was straight and even if he was the most flaming homosexual on the planet he wouldn't like Dan.

Dan was gross and too lengthy. He is constantly having existential crises that end up with Phil hugging Dan saying everything is gong to be okay when it only makes it worse. Every single time Phil cradles him and hugs he he falls more and more in love with him, and he can't have that.

Dan was startled by his thoughts by a _"craaack!"_

He could only emit a high pitched 'ah!' Before crawling deeper under his duvet and wrapping his arms around himself even tighter.

Tears began to sting at the corner of his eyes and he cursed to himself for being so wimpish.

Dan tried everything he could to block out the storm outside; listening to Muse, editing a video, reading, but the constant sound of rain attacking the roof made him feel uneasy.

 _All he needed was Phil._

As if some higher being was playing a joke on him, Phil walked in.

'Shitshitshitshitshitshityouhavetobefuckingkiddingme. Phil cannot see Dan like this, he's a mess and his face is red and blotchy.

Dan stilled and tried to seem like he was sleeping but he couldn't stop the whimpering that fell from his mouth.

"Dan? Are you okay? I thought I heard you crying and I should've have come in sooner... Uh... Sorry? Dan?" Phil spurts off quickly.

He really was too sweet.

Dab didn't come out from under the covers until another stuck of thunder shook the house. He jumped up and had tears streaming down him cheeks.

Phil immediately took Dan into his arms and laid with him on his bed. He rocked them back and forth, humming the tune of Lullaby by Fall Out Boy. He really does know Dan too well.

"Why are uou doing this Phil?" Dan asked between sniffles.

"Why wouldn't I? You were scared and I knew that you were crying so I didn't want you to be sad." Phil said like it was the simplest thing in the world.

"Well... Thanks." Dan said, smiling up at him.

Phil kissed Dan's check and laid back down. Dan froze up and his eyes popped open. His heart started beating even fast then before.

"Phil?" Dan asked cautiously.

"Yeah Dan?" Phil replied as if nothing had even happened.

"Why did you just do that?" Dan said almost inaudibly.

"Because you looked cute and I wanted to." Phil grinned at Dan.

"Well... Okay then..." Dan said giggling and looking down. He felt his cheeks heat up and and felt the rosy tint start to set in.

"I'm sorry if that stepped over some lines. We can forget about it if you want." Phil said kind of halfheartedly.

Dan immediately jumped up and said, "Wait no! Why would I forget that?"

Dan soon realized he was still standing after his dramatic outburst and sat back down, embarrassed.

"Well... I mean, if you felt uncomfortable with it it something..." Phil said uneasily. Dan couldn't fathom how Phil couldn't tell that Dan was head over heels for Phil.

"Are you joking?" Dan laughed brightly. Phil didn't understand where this mood switch came from but he was happy that Dan wasn't upset with him.

Dan looked into Phil eyes and scooted closer to him on the bed. "Y'know... I think you're cute too."

Phil blushed and put his hand on Dan's cheek affectionately.

"I think I should kiss you." Phil said and moved his other hand to lay on top of Dan's and intertwined their fingers.

"Okay." Was all Dan said and then their were passionately kissing. Sparks flew and they both felt like they were floating on cloud nine.

They couldn't fathom that after so many years that they both hid their feelings, they were finally together.

When they pulled apart for air Phil laid his forehead against Dan's as to say 'that was amazing'.

"What does this make us Phil?" Dan asked hesitantly. He was always one to worry about things.

"Whatever you feel comfortable with bear." Phil said as he looked into Dan's chocolate eyes with adoration.

"I would love for us to be like, together. As boyfriends. -if you want." Dan finished the sentence quickly as to not seem like he was rushing things.

"You're so silly Y'know?" Phil laughed. He pecked Dan's lips again and said, "Of course I would want to date you. I've loved you for so long Dan."

Dan wrapped his arms around Phil's neck and laid his head on his shoulder. He breathed a sigh of relief and whispered quietly, "That's good. I've loved you for a really long time too."

The night continued like that with them laying together on Dan's bed with a care in the world. When Dan was with Phil, whether it be snuggling or kissing or just talking, he forgot all his problems.

With so much love and happiness in the air that night, the thunder outside and rain beating on the windows were completely forgotten.


	3. A Constant

**Prompt: Okay this one has a lil' plot twist so I'm not gonna spoil it ^_^**

 **Genre: Angst because I'm an angsty little teen who shops at Hottopic**

 **Triggers: mentions self harm, self loathing, depression, self deprecating thoughts/ actions, cheating (but not Phan don't worry snuggle muffins), suicide attempt, I think that's it...**

 **Words: 1652**

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

His heart was pumping more than it ever has been. Dan ran down the street with tears down his face.

He finally came to his destination.

Dan ran to the cliff side and watched the waves roll back and forth from above.

Dan could feel his hair beginning to curl and for once it wasn't his main priority to fix it. _Because who would care about someone's hair when they're dead?_

"Bye world. You've been a bitch to me. Hurt me. Scarred me. Caused me to scar myself. And now I'm basically going insane!" Dan screamed up at the inky black sky.

"All I want is for it to end. My family doesn't give a shit. My only boyfriend I'll ever have cheated on me and hit me. I'm alone. _No one cares._ If I get nothing from the godforsaken planet let me die. Right here. Right now. "

Dan finished his speech to the stars. He wanted out, and that's what he was going to get. He was desperate for anything to get him away from his horrid life. Dan felt no matter what his did, how far away he pushed himself from the people who abused him, it was like the world wanted him dead.

"Well this is it..." He whispered before dropping of the edge and

 _Falling..._

 _Falling..._

 _Falling..._

 _*slash*_

 _...*beep*_

 _...*beep*_

 _...*beep*_

The first thing Dan noticed when he awoke was the smell. Sterile.

He recognized it like no other. He was used to the smell of disinfectant and scrubs because of his many times he has been emitted to the hospital.

When he came to the realization that he was apparently saved and now in a hospital he started to sob erratically. He wanted to die. He tried so hard and he was alive. How could have this even happen?!

"Oh thank god you're awake!" Screamed a voice who barged into the room.

"What on earth were you thinking?!" Yelled the person, "You could've died! I was terrified!"

Dan remained with a blank expression and said, "That's what I wanted."

That shut the person up.

The boy looked a little taller than Dan. His hair was blacker than the night sky and had the _bluest eyes he'd ever seen._

He was beautiful.

But he was talking to Dan.

And soon he would realize how disgusting Dan was.

And he would leave.

And Dan would be alone again.

Dan drifted into his dark mind space and hot tears began rolling down his cheeks.

"What's wrong?" The boy sat next to Dan on the foamy bed.

Dan only continued to cry.

"Hey... My names Phil and I'm really glad you're okay." Phil looked away sheepishly and Dan could've sworn he saw his eyes water.

Dan couldn't process what was coming out of his mouth before he whispered,"Why are you lying Phil?"

Phil looked at Dan shocked, unable to comprehend how this boy could be so broken but was so beautiful.

"Why would you think I'm lying Dan?" Phil asked quietly, as if any sudden movements would cause Dan to physically shatter.

"No one wants me. In disgusting. A waste of oxygen and space. A fat, useless, faggot. No one needs me. So I tried to get rid of myself. I would've done the world a favor."

Dan couldn't feel anymore. He felt lifeless and every word spoke was barren with emotion.

All of a sudden Phil started to cry and clutched onto Dan tightly.

"What are you taking about?! I've fancied you for _ages!_ Since primary school. It's hurt me so much seeing what the world has thrown at you. I've seen your bruises and I've seen you beaten. But all those times I just wanted to see you happy and cared for and loved... With me." Phil finished his rant with hot streams down his face. He buried his head into Dan's shoulder.

"Phil, I don't understand... Why would you want me? I'm so gross and disgusting and you can do so so so much better-"

"You stop it Dan!" Phil interrupted him loudly.

"You are the most beautiful thing on this planet and and are amazing and lovely and perfect and nothing will ever change that." Phil said sweetly while gazing into Dan's deep coffee eyes.

"How could someone so fucked up and twisted with shredded arms and a broken family and abusive past be called beautiful? The world has left me to die Phil. I recommend you do too." Dan finished quietly.

 _It wasn't true though._

All he wanted was to let someone help him and love him but he was terrified to let anyone in. Every single time he has ever trusted someone they have always left him, even more broken then before.

"Dan, I don't care what anyone else had ever said to you but to me... You are the most magnificent thing in the whole universe. You brighten entire galaxies by just _existing._ And I know that no matter how many times I tell you that you need actual help but I want to be with you there _every step of the way."_

"Well I guess that good because I'm kicked out of my house." Dan said quietly.

"What?" Phil asked.

"Why do you sound so shocked? What family would want a faggot son in their house?" Dan asked laughing emptily.

"Well I can help to get you back on your feet." Phil said, trying to be reassuring.

"No Phil. Don't waste time on me." Dan said sadly but firmly.

"It's not a waste caring about someone you love Dan." Phil said softly.

Dan's head shot up. _Love?_ He loves me? Why? What?

"I'm sorry Dan that was uncalled for. I mean..." Phil rushed out, "I like, do love you. But like... I didn't want to shock you or anything. Sorry."

Phil looked up at Dan, and his eyes had a brightness to them that Phil had never seen before. Dan looked alive, like he had a purpose.

"Don't be sorry," was all Dan said. A blush rose in his cheeks and his ears heated up. Phil grabbed Dan's hand and intertwined their fingers.

"Would you want to be friends Dan? Like proper friends? Who play video games and watch movies and cuddle together?" Phil asked hesitantly.

"Of course, you turnip." Dan laughed, it was the first time Phil had ever heard a sincere, heartfelt, laugh from Dan Howell. And it was the most beautiful thing he'd eve heard.

"Name calling and we've only been friends for like... 3 minutes?" Phil asks jokingly.

"It's alright, turnip sounds nice. I feel like you could be... Bear" Phil finished confidently.

"Bear? Where does that come from?" Dan asked Phil, laughing and shaking his head at Phil's silliness.

"You have fluffy brown hair. And your eyes are a deep rich hazel. They aren't just brown. They are golden and coffee and mocha and beautiful." Phil looked at Dan as if he was the most intricate painting in a gallery, or a piece of art. And to Phil, Dan was.

"Well your eyes aren't just blue," Dan started explaining to Phil.

"Your eyes are ocean green and beautiful sun kissed meadows with thousands of flowers. Your eyes are made of every sunny day, every ocean wave, every flower ever bloomed."

Now it was Dan's turn to stare deeply into Phil eyes. When the two of them were explaining the beauty of the other that they didn't notice of remarkably close they got to each other's lips.

For once in his life, Dan took a step forward (figuratively) and kissed Phil. It was deep or passionate or heated or anything a kiss is 'supposed to be'. But it did feel right.

The kiss wasn't more then a peck. The boys merely pressed lips and that was all. But it did _mean_ something. At this moment the two boys needed a constant. Something to rely on.

Phil wanted to be with Dan so badly. Phil also knew that of Dan rejected him he would respect that. Knowing that Dan wanted him too gave Phil the reassurance he needed.

As for Dan, his life was a mess. He was constantly on the brink of self destruction and was consumed by self deprecating thoughts. There was only a spiral of loneliness and isolation. But now with Phil, he has a constant. A break from the vicious cycle of depression and destruction. Phil was a constant support when Dan needed it most.

That's the thing, when you believe your problem is permanent, whether it be self harm or depression or abuse or _anything,_ it is not.

To get over these problems, some people need help reaching out in the first place, and they're looking for a new break from the demons.

Dan and Phil needed a constant. A constant support. A constant reassurance. And constant knowledge of 'I have your back'. A constant that kept them anchored to the world.

Dan needed someone to care. A constant person to actually give a shit. No one had before. Until Phil.

Phil needed someone to ease to loneliness. A constant to be with him. A constant to know he wasn't alone. No one really had before. Until Dan.

Dan and Phil were each other's constants. Through all the ups and downs they will face and the problems they'll endure, they have a constant.

Each other.

 **A/N: SHIT END BECAUSE IM A SHIT PERSON.**

 **LOOOOOOL UPDATING EVERY 4 TO 5 DAYS WHAT IS THAT. AAHAHAHAHAHHA SORRY I SUCK AND YOU GUYS HATE ME.**

 **Okay bye love you my snuggle muffins ^_^**


	4. Their Names Are Winnie And Dil

**Prompt: Parent!Phan**

 **Genre: fluffity fluff fluff soul wrenching fluff**

 **Triggers: nothing ^_^**

 **Words: 868**

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"Hey guys..." Dan started the video.  
Dan and Phil fidgeted in their seats trying to keep the squirming children in hand.

"You guys have probably been wondering what we've been up to recently and... Yeah."

Dan looked around anxiously not knowing how to start this conversation.

Phil looked at him reassuringly and grabbed his hand. "Since you guys have been with us since 2009, through hardships and love and books and tours and hundreds of videos and last year our _wedding._ " Phil continued Dan's words.

"We finally decided to start our own family."

Dan and Phil gazed into each others eyes and were met with pure love.

"Their names are Winston and Delia. Or Winnie and Dil for short." Dan said winking at the camera.

"Yeah, after the wedding we started looking into adoption centers and this is when we met Winnie and Dil" Phil chuckled.

"At the time they were only 1 month old and we both decided they were the ones we wanted." Dan said with pride leaking through his voice.

"To be fair Dan, we would've adopted any kids." Phil mocked Dan.

"Well I'm just saying when we first saw them I knew they would be absolutely perfect for us." Dan smiled brightly.

"Yeah! And they're fraternal twins so we knew we couldn't just adopt one of them." Phil said looking at the children sweetly.

"Isn't that rights guys?" Dan playing said to the children in their arms.

'dwaddwy!' The babies said in unison.

Dan scooted closer to Phil and whispered too quiet for the camera to hear, "They aren't the only ones saying that..."

 _Everyone is going to notice that jump cut._

Phil coughed awkwardly and looked at Dan like he was insane, "Anyways, we know you guys have missed us for the last months but we've been wrapped up with decorating their rooms and _diapers_ and all of that fun stuff!" Phil joked to the camera.

"Speaking of that!" Dan suddenly got very excited, "Let's show them Dil and Winne's rooms!"

"Okay Dan but this isn't our vlogging camera, it isn't supposed to-" Phil was cut off by Dan getting up off the couch energetically and setting Winne down in his playpen.

"I'll get the camera really quickly and we can just set it down on their dresser or something," Dan told Phil with a huge smile on his face.

Dan quickly grabbed the camera of the tripod and was seen jogging down the hall to his former bedroom.

"Okay done!" Phil heard Dan shout from down the hall, shaking his head at his silly husband.

"Let's go then..." Phil said to Delia, chuckling.

Dan jogged back down the hallway to get Winnie and picked him up.

"Let's go show the internet your guys cute room, shall we?" Dan asked the child, smiling down at him whilst he cradled Winnie against his chest.

"Baawah!" Winnie shouted in agreement and attempted to grab Dan's nose with his tiny fingers.

When Dan walked into the babies' room he saw Phil talking the camera with the biggest grin ever.

"Okay guys look at this adorable painting that Dan did of Winnie The Pooh and and the rest of Christopher Robin's friends! It's absolutely amazing!" Phil bragged about his husband to the camera.

"Talking about me again are we?" Dan asked Phil raising his eyebrows.

"Oh shush you," Phil laughed at Dan, "But you _are_ amazing."

"Not more amazing then you! You're AmazingPhil!"

Phil stopped laughing and looked at Dan with the most annoyed face ever, "That's it. We're getting a divorce. We can't do this anymore. That was too corny."

"Awwww but you love me!" Dan said wrapping his arms around Phil's neck and snuggling into him.

"Yes I do, unfortunately." Phil said to Dan and kissed his cheek.

Dan and Phil looked over in unison at their kids sleeping. Dan and Phil spent quite a lot of sweat to assemble those cribs and push them right next to each other to where they were almost touching.

"Okay... _That_ is the most amazing thing ever." Dan said glancing from the sleeping kids back to the camera.

"We should call this video _The Amazing Family Is Not On Fire,"_ Phil said triumphantly yet quietly.

"And that's a good way to end this video." Dan laughed at his partner's silliness and turned off the camera just after a last picture of Dan and Phil when they first held Winnie and Dil. 

_Things just kept getting better for Dan and Phil and their Amazing Family That Is Not On Fire._

_**A/N: Sorry that was so unbelievably cheesy!**_ _ **I didn't know how to end this so yeah... here you go ^_^ (sorry it sucked I just felt like I needed to update and I felt bad so I wrote this really quickly)**_ __

 _ **Also i might do a part 2 of this where it's like Dil and Winnie's first days of school or some cute fluff or whatever.**_


	5. 2012

**Prompt: Beautiful peoples Katherine and Eden (or LikeTotallyEden on YouTube) who wrote the amazing 2009 phan song recently wrote a phan song called 2012 and its so great and it makes me so emo and it fucked up my life about how great it is. Watch it above. You will love it, and you will cry. Both guaranteed. This is an inspired Song!Fic**

 **Genre: Angst. So much angst. Be prepared my snuggle muffins.**

 **Triggers: sad, homophobia, self hate, and drinking**

 **Words: 2118**

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

 _Things used to be so much easier when we were so much younger_

 _I denied who I once was because who I once was wasn't me_

I remember all the days back in 2009. We had three hour breakfasts, and watched films on your sofa. We were in our own little bubble. Puppy love some called it. Oblivious to all the hate in the world, all the negativity towards our love. Oh what I wouldn't give to have that back.

 _we once fell in love but now we're just falling_

 _we were falling and now we're just stalling_

I can't help it. Everyday I see you and it pains me. Once we were loud and happy and together, but now we're just stuck. I don't know what to do Phil. You were always better at relationships than I was. What do we do?

 _I love you but it hurts to speak out loud_

Everyone tells me what I'm feeling is wrong. I shouldn't be gay. I _can't_ be gay. It's wrong and vulgar. But if it's so wrong, how can this feel so right? My heart isn't wrong. My love isn't wrong. But I no matter how much I want to be heard. I don't speak.

 _when im speaking though speakers, talking through filters_

 _everything I say just comes out wrong_

"God Phil! Get out! I don't need you here! I'm not in love with you!" I yelled and ran out of the house. I couldn't handle this. I can't. It's not fair everyone is constantly telling me what I should and should not be. If that fucking video didn't leak, God... What did I do to deserve this?

 _The way you had my heart when we were younger pretty quickly disappeared_

I don't love him. I don't. I can't. It's wrong. It's everyone else's fault! I'm not _I'm not gay!_

 _only looking through the holes in my fingers but my skin it healing up_

I can never bare to look at Phil. When we bump into each other at the flat every word out of our mouths is forced. He grits his teeth and clenches his fist. I can't help but flinch. Phil never used to be aggressive. Did I make his like this? Why did me and my stupid feelings have to fuck everything up?

 _I keep telling myself the lies im fine im fine im fine_

 _but you're not longer mine_

I hear Phil slam the door to the flat. Probably leaving to get away from me. I wish I could get away from me too. All of these stupid fucking thoughts about Phil buzzing around my head all the time.

I place my laptop on the ground and lay my head back on my pillows. I lied there for what felt like hours, I only came to my senses when I felt something damp on my cheeks. I didn't realize I was crying. It seems like in the last months I've done everything but cry. Some days I would lash out and yell and kick and scream. Some days I would go to pubs and drink all my thoughts away. Every single brief thought of those beautiful blue eyes would be washed away with cheap liquor and desperation.

I wiped hastily at the tears leaking from my cloudy brown eyes. I want to feel Phil's arms wrapped around me like they used to. I want him to hold me tight and wipe the tears away. But he can't. Because I can't love him and he can't love me.

Sobs rock my body and my lungs convulsed. I can't remember the last time I cried so much. I hold my own arms tight around me, just like Phil would. If he didn't think I hated him. Just the opposite. I hated how much I loved him. Everyone said my love was wrong. I hated it, I hated that my love for you wasn't real to anyone else. I hated that because of my stupid feelings, you're no longer in my arms.

 _Last night you slammed the door and the wood hitting the wall broke our red string of fate_

"Dan! Stop it! Just stop it!" Phil screamed at me, with tear tracks down his face.

"I'll stop when you stop acting like we can still be friends!" I yelled back. I saw all the color drain from his face and his eyes narrow. He didn't look upset anymore. He looked so angry.

"Stop being friends? What the fuck has gotten into Dan?! What happened to you? Last time I checked you'd be dead without me Dan! How can you treat our relationship like it's nothing Dan?!" Phil yelled harshly.

"Fuck off P-Phil! Don't you u-unders-stand t-this isn't a fucking rel-lationship! I d-don't need you a-anymore!" I yelled with my voice breaking cracking.

"Whatever you say Dan," Phil said flatly, turning around and running back to his room.

 _you're that little ray of sun that burns me and blinds me with your light._

 _my candle glows brightly but yours outshines me, blind me with its light_

Every morning I woke up, life seemed pointless. My best friend hates me, I hate myself. Everything is fucked. As much as I say I don't, I _need Phil._ I need him so much. Phil was my light that helped me every second of every day. My entire world is black and lifeless without him. Nothing seems to be important without Phil. The entire world has died because he's gone, and he was my entire world.

 _I love you but it hurts to speak out loud_

 _when im speaking though speakers, talking through filters_

 _everything I say just comes out wrong_

"I hate you I hate you I hate you!"

God, I love you so much Phil it pains me.

"Get out! I hate being with you!"

Please never leave me. I don't know what I would do with myself.

"Why are you still here?!"

Why haven't you left me yet Phil. Gone to someone better, more stable, who's willing to come out and be with their boyfriend in public.

"Get out."

You can do so much better than me Phil. I don't deserve you. Don't let my stupid fucking petty issues drag you down. You're better off without me.

 _The way you had my heart when we were younger pretty quickly disappeared_

I remember the day the video leaked. It was all such a blur. You kept apologizing, at first I thought you were crazy, it wasn't your fault the fucking video got released. I told you to stay calm and that everything would blow over. We both knew our excuse "it was just a prank" probably would't work on the fans but we tried anyways. For most of the days after the accident, I was the one comforting you. Seeing you stressed broke my heart and I always tried my best to keep you in good spirits.

It was like our roles were reversed, you kept being anxious and stressed and I would calm you down and distract us with video games and forts and films.

But after a while, the constant scrutiny of "omg dan r u like a fag!?1!1" got to me. Suddenly me comforting you turned into me talking harshly about how we just shouldn't film videos together. And that turned into me talking about how we just shouldn't go out in public together.

And after the last months, I said, maybe we just shouldn't be together.

I hated it, every single word I uttered. Only at the time my brain told myself that I, _we,_ would be better off not dating. The worst fucking mistake of my life.

 _only looking through the holes in my fingers but my skin it healing up_

 _I keep telling myself the lies im fine im fine im fine_

 _but you're not longer mine_

Sometimes I feel like maybe this is all a dream. One day I'll wake up in your arms and you'll kiss my forehead like you used to. We'll cuddle and kiss and be in love just like we used to.

But every single day I wake up, alone. We're in separate bedrooms and we don't even speak. I'm so desperate to get you back yet, everyday, I only push you farther away.

 _The way you had my heart when we were younger pretty quickly disappeared_

 _only looking through the holes in my fingers but my skin it healing up_

 _I keep telling myself the lies im fine im fine im fine_

 _but you're not longer mine_

I hear you sobs through the walls of our flat. All I want to do is go into your room and hug you, make you smile again, hear your loud laugh instead of the wrecking sobs. Your crying is because of me. All your tears and days spent wasting your thoughts on me. It's my fault we became like this. Constantly on edge, slowly breaking and wasting away.

Oh Phil, how I wish you were still in my arms.

 _little ray of sun, do you think that we are done?_

"Phil, we need to talk," I say as I knock on his door.

"Yeah like we haven't been talking for the last 8 months," Phil replies back sarcastically. I don't blame him. If I was Phil, I would punch Dan in the face.

"Phil can I at least come in?" I ask desperately. And I was; I was so desperate to speak to Phil when we aren't screaming or crying. Or sometimes both.

The second I walked in any remark he was about to say got caught in his throat, his face fell and he remained silent.

"Phil, I... I... I don't know what to do," I said, searching for the correct words.

"Neither do I Dan," Phil said quietly, without raising his head or looking me in the eyes.

"I don't want you to leave. God, p-pl-please don't leave me Phil," I said desperately. As if this was my last pleading moment before Phil would get up and walk out of my life forever.

"I would never leave Dan... Its just..." Phil starts.

"Just what?" I look up hurriedly, not knowing where Phil was leading this.

"Just that... is this the end? Of us?" Phil asks, his eyes are gathering tears and he does nothing to stop it.

"I don't know Phil, I don't know. But I hope not," Is all I said before I exited Phil's room and walked into my own.

 _you're that little ray of sun that burns me and blinds me with your light_

 _my candle glows brightly but yours outshines me, blind me with its light_

Phil is my light, and I can't bare to lose him.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

 **A/N: I know I said my next one shot was going to be the continuation of the poem "Hazel Eyes" but this song came out yesterday and I immediately wanted to write a song!fic for it. I hope you all liked it but sorry if this sucks. I wrote it all in about 5 hours. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and have a happy new year!**

 **Btw this one shot is dedicated to phanatic_bandgirl for being amazing an sweet.**

 **Unrelated news but on Christmas Eve i came out to my family (basically just the siblings I hadn't came out to yet) and my brothers kinda pissed me off. Like my brothers Alex and Matthew were basically like 'we get you're gay, just don't flaunt it so much'. And I'm just like tf? I had already came out to my mom, 2 sisters, and my brother Gabriel and his girlfriend before them, so on Christmas Eve I came out to my brothers Matthew, David, Alex and Alex's fiance. None of them were homophobic but I wa awkward. Uh, I guess it could've been worse. But like, the question "when did you first know" UH IDFK MAYBE WHEN I REALIZED I WASN'T STRAIGHT DUMBASS ITS NOT THAT HARD TO COMPREHEND.**

 **Okay, I'm sorry for being annoying.**

 **Anyways, ilysm 3 love you my snuggle muffins**

 **xxxxxx Nicole**


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